Meanings and moments

It's cat-and-mouse with my mind, with whom I've shared a most cantankerous relationship for much of my life. Right now, in spite of two different antibiotics flowing into my veins and awaiting a 3rd (you see what fun I can have between 10 pm and Midnight), I feel at peace. When I think of the Day 14 bone marrow biopsy tomorrow, my guts tighten. What you focus on expands. Yeah, alright already, I know that. So perhaps I can take a lesson from Stacey & Leland's kitty Sasha (a purebred Somali) - lie back and think of rainbows.  

I could also be enjoying surrender. Not giving up; not even giving in. This is what is right now. I believe in the Risen Lord Christ and His Redemption for me; I believe in the power of YOUR prayers; I believe that a miracle is a coincidence where God chooses to remain anonymous; I know that not everything can be explained. But this life is mortal. I could well beat this, by gum! Show 'em all what a rootin' tootin' fightin' overcomer I am as I have been! I could die tonight. I don't have a helluva lot of control after a certain threshold. I believe in positivity and even affirmations to a certain extent, but I don't think that's what this wild ride is about. I think had I known that I'd be given this absolutely slapped on the side of the face with little warning diagnosis, I might've ditched the hospital route altogether. And I did not. I'm here, being stuffed with so many high tech drugs than I've ever contemplated. 

I'm not unduly peeling back the allegorical elements of blood and bone marrow. This isn't say a benign mole that can be cut out; these be my insides, analogous to my core which I know is soul and spirit. I am open to deeper meanings, but in the meantime all I can pile on my little plate is what is in front of me from hour to day to onward just enough. I had a whackomania schedule with wondrous parts of my life all darting in and amongst themselves this fall. I'm one busy kid! Too busy! Now I can't even make choir practice. I miss Church, worship, the Eucharist, the movies, Sacred Harp singings, hikes in the hills, my friends, my 12-Step meetings. Perchance without too much denial, what their graces give me are here right now. I wouldn't recommend this as a long term venture, but so far.... maybe I'm simply having a nicer day than I have in a few weeks. 

Some people have asked about donating blood in my name. Yes, please, if that suits you. I don't know exactly how it works, but I am told that if you go to a blood donation center and give blood, and say it's for me here, it will help very much. You don't have to be my type, which cosmically or amusingly is the somewhat rare B-positive. :-). I have had perhaps eight blood transfusions and 3-4 platelet transfusions since I arrived. This is too unreal!

Someone asked what I did to spend time. {Aren't you bored?} Hah! This is basically a 5:30 am until Midnight (if I'm lucky) deal. The care is frequent to constant and often overlapping. It is endlessly repetitive and meticulous. I usually beg nightly not to be awakened at 4 am for vitals (temp., blood pressure, pulse and some weird deal where you stick your finger in a mousetrap and it tells you how much oxygen you have). There are some angels in here. There are some truly annoying folks, too. Life! Ya just can't get away sometimes. 

So from cognitive dissonance to druggy distraction to slightly displaced altered states to jolts of acceptance to God's pure and enduring grace, here I am. Like Abraham said - and I'm not nearly as cool as Abraham - 

here I am.