holy selfishness

I'm going to share some deep wisdom from a friend...... part of the blessed cascade that gives my soul and course extra breath. I will do so anonymously. She'll know who she is when she reads this: 

"You are very dear to me, even though we've not spent much time together. I have not told very many people... about my history, but I am going to tell you. I am a cancer survivor. In 1994, I discovered to my utter horror and disbelief that I had a brain tumor. I had a CT scan one day.... went to a hospital that afternoon, was admitted the next morning and had a craniotomy the next day. Wham. Bam. Thank you Ma'am. It was fast and hard to take in. It's a long story, but the gist of it was that it was the most malignant brain tumor known to exist, with grim survival rates. I underwent a year's worth of monthly chemotherapy administrations, wherein I had two surgeries each month. (Read: I was in and out of the hospital for over a year, staying four days with each admit). I should've gotten my own parking space.

"{I heard that}...you were saying "no" to the morning treatment plan, and I said: "good for her!" He looked a little surprised. But you need to be in charge of what happens to you. It is your body. One rule I had for myself was that I would not allow anything to be done to me without my consent. Frankly, the medical community is not beholden to my kind of patient. But, I think the patient who manages her treatment is going to be a lot stronger during and after treatment. So you go girl. Perfect the art of being the "patient from hell." And if you want more advice in that regard, just ask! It is an art-form that I've perfected. Not that I'm bragging or anything.

"Another thing I want to say is to remember that you are going through something physically and psychically horrific. In other words, don't worry about ANYONE ELSE. I mean that, sincerely. Let the people who love you, love you. People will respond in all kinds of ways to this, some ways more helpful than others. But it is absolutely your job to take care of yourself. It is absolutely NOT your job to take care of anyone else. Let {us} do what {we} can, and say "No" if you need space, or just don't want what they are offering. Politeness be damned. You're sick, and this is all about YOU. PERIOD. END. OF STORY. (Read those last sentences on a daily basis, it will help you feel strong!! :-)

"And that begins with me. Take or leave this advice. It is just that I've been in that bed that you're in and it is scary and lonely. And over the year, I found a few ways to stumble my way along, and thought I'd pass them your way. 

"So, my dear. You must be exhausted. I will end this lengthy "How to survive cancer, part 1" chapter. I will hold you in my thoughts, and carry you to God in my prayers. God will listen. God will hear us."