I was thinking in terms of the hospital game saddle while the video links imply freedom, fun, camaraderie, wide open spaces, shootin' up the bad guys, roaming with your people..... we've got a 1950's juxtaposition going on and I'm letting it ride. I am back in the hospital saddle but it isn't the Addams Family haunted house or even a scene from those scary horror movies I can't watch.I'm also back into the literary mud puddle of giving myself permission to drool all over my stumbling attempts at articulation. I whined and wept my way through the insertion of yesterday's PICC line; curled up in bed and begrudgingly back with my non-honey pie of an IV pole, and as of this morning, the games have begun! I have agreed with gentle Dr. K's suggestion that I add Clonazepam to my smorgasbord of goodies, since I have the teeniest tiniest tendency to FREAK OUT at things normal folk might scoff at. Yeah, I'm a Type-A, hypersensitive, recovering everything, pea princess piece o' work at times. I realize that this comes as a surprise to many of you. And chemo land began this morning. For you curious sorts, I'm on the 'FLAG' program: Fludarabine plus high-dose Ara-C (Cytarabine) plus the white cell stimulating Neupogen. I have a mental image of the Neupogen flushing out those errant blasts I know are quivering behind my little toe or nose hairs..... and once they're shoo'd out, the big gun duck hunters will load up and shoot 'em all down. Sadly the collateral damage will keep me here in Room 4200 through the New Year, but imagine all the resentments I'll avoid about neighborhood parties invading MY peace and quiet. Some squeeze lemons to make lemonade (for example, the beloved and late Randy Pausch); I get out my butterfly net and leap for silver linings. Whatever analogies make my healing have its singing days as honestly as possible.
Oh I love writing when I'm space-brained! Annie Lamott taught us about "shitty first drafts"in her book Bird by Bird, and I'm slappin' my sides in this space-o-rama mud puddle.
I promised an address and here it is:
Diane G. Luboff
Alta Bates Medical Center
4NE Oncology, Room 4200
2450 Ashby Ave.
Berkeley, CA 94705
Every time you say a prayer to the God of your understanding, it lands in my being with more power than all the fancy-dancy expensive drugs for me here. Please remember my gratitude to you, even when in my abject selfishness I will forget to express it.
BLESS YOU ALL!
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5 comments:
Hi Diane, I will be thinking of you tonight and send my prayers. At least you don't have to hear Christmas carols all the time...small consolation, I know, but still :-)
Thanks for the updates. Are you OK with visits?
-m
Dear, I LOVE Christmas carols - well done, of course. I have my iTunes loaded with all manner of exultant liturgical goodies. Calvin and the Chipmunks, no. Some brooding Russian choir, yes. Anything from some glorious British Cathedral choir, yes. Visits are a yes. Give a wee heads up first, please - general good times are between 9 am and 8 pm. After that I turn into a pumpkin and how far past Halloween are we?
We need to come up with a spare iPod so we can load up more cool music for when you're worn out on yours!
I have Scottish and Medieval Christmas stuff...
Any and all Sacred Music (particularly Medieval) are cherished - thank you! If you can upload to iDisk (if you're a Mac person) and send me a link I'll download away into iTunes. Otherwise >10 MB sound files can be emailed. Music!
Your literary articulations are wonderful. Perfect writing for the sake of writing perfect is not as expressive as writting from the heart. "Space-brained" or not, I think your writting is insightful -and all you. But then, you always were as you are now - a multifaceted jewel sparking through the lives of all who are lucky enough to know you.
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