sudden rapids through a narrow gorge

I will not take back my gratitude and delight with BEING here..... however...... the disease that laughs, "You cannot make plans or count on anything in the 3D world," is (in a more G-rated terminology) MESSING with me once again. That's why it's called acute myeloid leukemia. It's not chronic, it's not slow, it's not easy, and it's certainly not predictable.

Perhaps I can simply NOT agree to extra blood tests on principle, such as I suspected not to get in my first breaths here while semi-swooning with extreme fatigue. I thought yesterday's #2 UK blood draw would be a breeze and continued affirmation of my internal myelo-stability (I'm making words up here). 

Wrong. 

Whether blood count roller coaster is part of the game, in just a week the platelets are up slightly and the white counts are down again.... and then the dreaded words from the local doctor: "The hematologist in Aberdeen saw one abnormal myeloblast in your sample." The moment he said that, my brains went south. The continued conversation was a blur, not all of which I will go into now. He phoned again an hour later, bless him. My next steps include being given an "urgent referral" to meet with the head hematologist in Aberdeen to have a face-to-face discussion about options.

You see, not being a British citizen, they don't know what to do with me with the NHS, Britain's socialized medicine. I have American insurance, of course, and yet what is covered in this country in the realms of "acute" versus "urgent" care remain to be deciphered.  I can hear in the physicians' voices that they WANT to offer me care but not send me to the poorhouse in the process since I would pay privately. A juggle is up. I can only uncover each element as I understand it, and proceed with my best wisdom and judgment. "You might need to return Stateside for medical care," said the doctor over the phone today. An oncology rep from my insurance company repeated that sentiment. She also said, "You need another blood test immediately. One circulating blast could be reabsorbed or it could multiply exponentially. A relapse can happen almost overnight. If the blasts are multiplying in your circulating blood, you need another biopsy as soon as possible to see what's happening in your marrow. That's where they're coming from." 

More lists will emerge. Trying to assess my options while frightened and upset is too damn hard. I didn't have that luxury when suddenly diagnosed with AML last October. As well I have just heard that one of my shape note singing friends in the South is battling Stage III colon cancer. My friend John P. needs your prayers too, those of you who pray, who send light, who light candles, who chant. My moods can dance more frenetically than the little lambs in the fields here.... from Thank You GOD! to why is it that sometimes life frickin' sucks? 

One thing bears no questioning, and that's having the GIFT of being here at this time. The support of my friends close at hand and those farther away is precious beyond words. I am not alone. I am held. 

Please pray for John  - and please keep praying for me. Bless you for doing so.