through one tunnel for now

As a recovering perfectionist and control freak, I suffer with making really Big Decisions. And yet I am savoring having drawn a psychological boundary, wrapped this corner of the insurance madness admin and Express Mailed paperwork to an insurance agent (inadvertently linked awhile back, babbling about my soon-ending Cal-COBRA policy) for a HIPAA policy with Anthem Blue Cross. I'm telling the parts of me that could research this ad nauseum to take a deep breath and let GO. After awakening this morning with a pounding heart, something that's never happened to me before (OMG! The chemo nailed my HEART now!), I realized that I've done all I can and it's time to take a soulful breather before choir practice tonight. I will suck the life force out of my wounded immune system with this amount of stress.

I made a decision. I'm letting go.

Chris in Seattle reminded me that websites abound describing the gruesome horrors of, well, any insurance company (e.g. so-and-soSUCKS-dot-com). What worked for me in contacting and choosing this agent can be summarized in but not limited to two issues: 1. I need an ally who is a pro and 2. Whether I choose an agent or not, my HIPAA premiums are the same - meaning huge. Try $688/month for my age group. Since I'm living on tick-tock tick-tock savings anyway while navigating this altogether unpleasant medical trek, I shuffle this cost into my 'it is what it is' portion of my psyche. If I continue to insist on getting REALLY UPSET about things I cannot control, what questionable prognosis I have will be gunned down even more. 

En route home from the post office, I stopped at Andronico's, a local grocers. I'd been jonesing for a carbo fix (I admit it!) and trolled past the bakery section. The Cheeseboard Collective Bakery has one more day off; anything made by a coop and with organic ingredients can ONLY be good! Ahem. So on to default Andronico's, where I spied a deep dark chocolate chip muffin next to a [nice healthy] bran muffin. I was riveted by the chocolate chip muffin, but I couldn't possibly justify choosing it. I paused. Be good and be present looked at one another, more than slightly misaligned. 

I bought the chocolate chip muffin. It's really good.

I'll end this post like many of us close 12-Step meetings, since it's a learning opportunity that presents itself on a daily and even hourly basis:

God: Grant me the Serenity

To accept the things I cannot change, 

Courage to change the things I can

and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Amen.